Anger wells up, how long must I wait
For the anguish and torment, the release of all hate
To dispel from my being, to leave me in peace
I pray for the day repugnance will cease
The feelings of sorrow and anguished despair
The lack of compassion, unable to care
No conscience, no guilt, no feelings of shame
Finding excuses and people to blame
I feel no remorse for the things I have done
Living each day with a heart made of stone
Patches of darkness, blanks in my mind
Scared to delve deep for the things I may find
Don’t want to remember, leave spaces void
Dredging up past, means my life is destroyed
Inventing a person that does not exist
My cheery disguise will never desist
Two separate personas, dissimilar sides
One gregarious extrovert, another that hides
I dread sleep at night, for the memories I see
You can look and dissect never see the real me.
At night I will sit while my family sleep
I dwell on the past and the secrets I keep
How normal and average with my daily routine
But messed up inside a psychologists dream
I play out the role of mother and wife
Acting out parts in a play called my life
No one aware of the torture or pain
Reliving of nightmares again and again
Wanting normality wishing to say
Honestly meaning “I have had a good day”
I know something’s there I feel it within
Determined, unwavering, my clandestine sin
You never would guess as I blissfully stroll by
That sometimes……… just sometimes I wish I could cry.