My Mam she was a funny old bird
She always said it wrong
“ If I’m not in, then I’ll be out ! “
We had to laugh along

We’d come in after drinking
With throbbing sore bad heads
She always had us terrified
She said “ You’ll wake up dead ! “

“ I’ve left the gas on ! “ she would shout
She had us all in tears
‘cause she’d been all electric
For twenty-seven years

She banged her elbow on the stove
Or so it goes the rumour
“ I’ve hurt my bloody funny -bone,
It’s lost its sense of humour ! “

A visit to our Mam one day
A note upon the door
“ The house is locked, but go right in,
The key is on the floor ! ”

Her rent man was a German
Not George, nor Jim, nor Jack
We heard her at the letter-box
His name it was “ Karl Bach ! “

Two-forty pennies to the pound
Back then her days were sunny
“ One-hundred now is all I get,
They’ve stolen half my money ! “

From Mam we got a letter
A busy day all in
“ I’ve had all my teeth out,
And a Gas-hob fitted in ! “

The Lord knew you were coming Mam
An Angel full of humour
He came to shake your hand
Or was it just a rumour ?

So have fun Mam in Heaven
Like you did down here on Earth
Keep the Spirits laughing
With your humour and your mirth

I miss my Mam’s old sayings
I really thought her great
I bet she’s telling off Our Lord
Inside The Pearly Gates

So if you see an Angel
In curlers, floating by
It’s only my dear Mam
With laughter in her eye !