T’was the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The reason for this…it is quite clear…
Is because there will be no Christmas cheer.

In England we the Government has planned
To have religious festivals such as Christmas banned.
Instead we will arrange for one and all
To have a festival called ‘Winterval’…

During which we will be having a collection
Towards Labour Party funds for the next general Election.
We will organise a bash where you can be merry and hearty…
As long as you make donations via a third party.

It will be, as our great leader has decreed,
A time of licentiousness, selfishness and greed…
But you can have a Christmas celebration
Only if you are a minority nation.

In England…in the interest of health and safety…
You can’t erect a Christmas tree.
Do not dispose of Christmas wrapping paper or for your sins
We’ll place a restriction on emptying your bins

There is one thing that we must say…
That instead of having a nativity play…
We expect you all to be performing
In a concert to raise awareness of global warming

In every street dark will be the nights…
Because the council have forbidden all Christmas lights…
AS due to health and safety you will find
The glare of the lights can make you blind.

Midnight Mass is banned (no offence),
Because churches haven’t got an entertainment licence.
And they are not allowed to ring their bells…
If the noise goes above 5 decibels.

There will be no community carol singing…
As that is the equivalent of door-to-door begging.
Furthermore, in inclement weather
Carol singing is banned altogether.

Santa can’t down the chimney alight…
To groom children with gifts in the middle of the night.
And to reduce air traffic congestion he must go by road…
With a limit of 10 parcels to reduce overload

As regards to animal cruelty we make it quite clear…
He can’t use protected species such as reindeer.
And Santa…we’ll be watching you if you get merry…
And catch you drink driving because of too much sherry.

Make sure you are not the 30 mph exceeding
Or else we will certainly do you for speeding
And be sure the sleigh’s MOT is updated…
For if it is not… it will be confiscated.

So Mr Santa, whether in wind, rain or snow
We’ll be watching you…so mind how you go.
And if you don’t like it you know what you can do…
You can just go off somewhere in a canoe.

Now to you minions…everyone and all
We wish you a merry People’s Winterval.

The Right Honourable E. Scrooge.
Minister For Anti-Christian Affairs.