I’m giving up beer and I’m giving up Scotch,
Yes, I’m giving up drinking entirely.
For my liver complains.
My old kidney’s got pains,
And my doctor is warning me direly.

I’m giving up cake and I’m giving up chips.
Not that I’ve been over-indulging.
But, I’ve noticed of late
The remarkable rate
That my tum and bum are both bulging.

I’m giving up sin, and I’m giving up sex,
Though I don’t get too much of the latter
But my morals of late,
Could well seal my fate
When I meet with Saint Pete for a natter.

I’m giving up smoking, and swearing and betting,
And watching T.V. in the daytime
No house-buying progs
No Vets with sick dogs
But I will miss the under-fives playtime.

I’m giving up all of these vices of mine
And it won’t be for want of the trying
But one thing I shall say,
At the end of the day.
I never said nowt about lying.