It’s that time again
In the shower you go
Preening your nether regions
For today they go on show

Has it been three long years?
Since your bits were last on show
Still it’s better to be safe than sorry
So off to the clinic you go

In the dreary waiting room
You sit and wait your turn
You know you shouldn’t be nervous
But now your gut has started to churn

It’s only a simple check up
To check your plumbing’s okay
Still your heart starts beating faster
“We’re ready for you love”, nurse says

You lay there on the table
Feet together, knees apart
“Try to relax now sweetheart
It’s only cold at the start”!

“Relax!” you think, “she must be mad”
She really must be teasin’
As the most uncomfortable instrument known to man
Heads straight for your nether region

I’m sure that that bloody contraption
Was once used as a torture device
Then some twisted modern day doctors
Thought women would find it quite nice

We know it’s for women’s well being
And it’s normally once every three years
But let one man think that a speculum’s not bad
They’ll be wearing one wrapped round their ears!