I’m up a chuffin’ ladder, fixing chuffin’ fairy lights.
Me ‘ands are chuffin freezin’, and I’m scared of chuffin’ heights.
It’s the same each chuffin’ Christmas. It’s such a chuffin’ chore.
When the chuffin’ season’s done, then they’re chuffin’ down once more.

Then it’s fetch the chuffin’ turkey, and stuff the chuffin’ thing.
And chuffin’ carol singers, who can’t even chuffin’ sing.
Pull chuffin’ Christmas crackers, wear a chuffin’ paper crown.
Back up the chuffin’ ladder, ’cause the chuffin’ lights fell down.

Then there’s chuffin’ Uncle Fred, snorin’ in a chuffin’ chair,
Along with chuffin’ Auntie Lil. Same every chuffin’ year.
And here’s me chuffin’ present, from Aunt Lil and chuffin’ Fred.
A pair of chuffin’ fluffy socks to wear in chuffin’ bed.

Do I hear? “You chuffin’ killjoy! You chuffin’ Scrooge-like man!”
But I’ve a chuffin’ scheme afoot. A chuffin’ cunning plan.
I’m off to chuffin’ Spain next year, no chuffin’ turkey here.
So merry chuffin’ Christmas, and a good New chuffin’ Year.