I joined up on the Monday
Me eyes were full and bright
By Tuesday they were black and blue
I’d landed in the shite

I marched along all tall and proud
Me corporal shouting words
It wasn’t how he shouted
But he called us little turds

I weren’t a happy chappy
Of that you can be sure
I wrote and told me dad
And he said you must just endure

So I took these words of wisdom
And told my corporal too
He said I will see you happy
and made me clean the loo

I told me mum this time I did
And she said “oh me life”
So I told the sergeant major
Me Mum said no more strife

Now that was not a bright idea
Cos he turned a funny colour
He shouted all these things at me
And even at me muvver

Then he called the sergeant over
and he shouted in his face
that I was a disaster
and he was a disgrace

The sergeant he came over
And he didn’t look too pleased
Then he put his hands around my neck
And then he squeezed and squeezed

Now at this point I noticed
I wasn’t very well
I heard my section corporal saying
I hope he goes to hell

They said I’d have to stand outside
The corporal standing watch
If I could see that sergeant
I’d kick him in the crotch

They made me stand outside all night
it froze me through and through
I’m not saying it was cold out there
But me gonads went all blue

Now what I learned from all of this
Was to be a clever chap
And not upset the sergeants
Or you’ll end up in the crap