Don’t shoot me said the sheriff, I’ve only just bought my gun,
I can’t walk about with holes in me, they’ll laugh and just poke fun,
I am gonna arrest the ‘baddies’, be they barmaids or two-bit male,
I’ll soon clean up this one horse town, and let them rot in jail.

I proudly wear my Stetson hat, my badge and cuffs I bear,
I don’t drink whiskey or chew baccy, and I’m rarely heard to swear,
I’m kind to kids and horses, sip my tea from an old tin cup,
But when it comes to outlaws, I either thump ‘em or shoot ‘em up.

You see this town is all I have, my reputation speaks for itself,
I may weigh 8 stones, legs like string and arms pinched from an elf,
But I’m a rooting, tooting lawman, as tough as anyone alive
And if you’re here looking for trouble, you’ll have to face up to my wife!