Today I started on my diet
To try to loose some fat,
I ate now’t but peas and carrots
But I soon got sick of that.
I then started eating yoghurts
To help my weight just drop away,
But I’d eaten thirty-seven
Before I saw an hour into the day.
I tried just drinking water,
To see if my adipose would go
But in half an hour I was bloated
And my stomach did overflow.
I bought a book on diets,
I’m trying to read it still,
But all the things within it,
My hunger, they did not fill.
I joined a club for slimmers
Too help me loose a pound.
They told me what my problem was,
“My body’s far too round.”
Then in the class they told me,
“Now and then, that I could sin,
But if the sin was a large cream cake,
I was to throw it in the bin.’”
At eleven I had a cup of tea,
No sugar could I have,
No biscuits with it either,
I did feel awfully sad.
I tried just eating lettuce
Like a rabbit I did gnaw,
But after eating only half of it
I felt like hopping around the floor.
At dinner I was very good
Just some soup and four rolls or bread
But then I looked in my diet book
“NO BREAD” it boldly said.
After dinner I couldn’t help it,
I just sat down and cried.
They said to diet would be easy
Now I know they lied.
I stripped and looked into the Mirror
And saw the blubber hanging there.
I thought of slimmer people
And just cried out that it’s not fair!
I dressed into some smaller clothes
That I wore when I was younger.
For a moment I realised what I had to do,
But it didn’t take away my hunger.
Then before I knew it,
Teatime it had come,
And as I peeled my carrot,
I thought of a jam on a fresh cream bun.
In the evening I watched the telly,
But every advert I did see.
Was of food and slim young people,
The devil sent them to tempt me.
I put my hand into my pocket,
And found some sweets I had forgot.
“My sin,” I said, most cheerfully,
And then began to scoff the lot.
It was only after I’d finished
That my conscience sat up and said,
“I’d already eaten my daily sin;
I had four rolls of bread.”
I had now bitten my fingers to the bone
But my hunger they did not fill,
With strange thoughts I became delirious,
For a hamburger, I would kill.
By suppertime I was starving,
No more could my mind or body take.
So I said, “sod it, to the diet,”
And made chips with cream sauce and steak!
So if you want to diet,
Don’t make my big mistake,
Just find a diet that’s still slimming
But you can still eat a jammed cream cake.